{"id":1174,"date":"2017-08-14T19:07:36","date_gmt":"2017-08-14T19:07:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/?p=1174"},"modified":"2021-07-10T20:26:53","modified_gmt":"2021-07-10T20:26:53","slug":"losing-a-loved-one-to-suicide-or-sudden-death","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/2017\/08\/14\/losing-a-loved-one-to-suicide-or-sudden-death\/","title":{"rendered":"Losing a loved one to suicide or sudden death"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is a guest post by Emily Boller<\/a> who lost her 21-year-old son to suicide. She shares this advice for those who want to help when a family experiences the devastation of suicide. Although one reader suggests that it applies to helping loved ones going through any kind of “tragic death.”\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

When Someone Dies by Suicide, \u00a0<\/strong>What Does One Immediately Do or Say?<\/strong><\/p>\n

First of all, the family is in intense shock. They may not totally understand or grasp the news of what just happened. Initially, in those first few hours, they are in\u00a0this perpetual state of\u00a0shock\u2013just surviving\u2013and\u00a0scrambling to get\u00a0the news delivered to other\u00a0family members.Their brains are on overload.<\/p>\n

\"\"At this point they can\u2019t process\u00a0a lot\u00a0of phone calls or texts, except a few from very close friends and family members. If you know details about the death, don\u2019t post anything on Facebook or send emails out to contact lists<\/strong> until the family is talking openly and publicly about it. Give the family time and space to process what just happened.Sit tight for a day or two. Do nothing but pray at this point. Close friends and clergy should come by the house during this time, of course, because their comforting presence is invaluable. (A\u00a0nearby neighbor\u00a0brought over\u00a0warm soup and fresh fruit that first day. Another close friend brought a large salad\u2013and another gave us\u00a0a wad of cash.)<\/p>\n

\"\"After a day or two, food in disposable containers, and practical items\u00a0such\u00a0as\u00a0paper plates, toilet paper, tissues, and bottles of water are welcome and appreciated. The family is consumed with funeral and burial decisions, and the last thing on their mind is life\u2019s basic necessities. If\u00a0you are\u00a0bringing\u00a0food, consider foods that promote healing instead of foods that induce additional stress to their already fragile state of being. Examples would be\u00a0vegetable or\u00a0fruit platters, bean dips, and hearty vegetable and\u00a0bean soups.<\/p>\n

Monetary gifts, gift cards, and cards of sympathy are also greatly appreciated. (They are also suddenly inundated with an avalanche of unplanned expenses; everything from funeral and burial expenses to crisis-intervention counseling. And especially,\u00a0if a child\u00a0was involved, I can\u2019t think of any parents who financially budget for the death of a child!)<\/p>\n

Practical helps\u00a0such as\u00a0mowing the lawn or taking out the trash are also appreciated. The family is mentally and emotionally overwhelmed and distraught. They may not have the mental capacity to even know what needs to be\u00a0done. Don\u2019t be afraid to take initiative and just do practical tasks for them\u2013whether they are a close friend or not.<\/p>\n

Try not to say, \u201cCall me if you need anything.\u201d Although the kind intention is much appreciated, they don\u2019t have the mental fortitude yet to take the initiative to reach out.<\/p>\n

In that first week\/month, the family\u2019s routine is completely out-of-sync. Sleep habits are severely disrupted. Everything is upside down in their world. They may not even be able to comprehend or remember\u00a0anything that is spoken to them. Wounds are profound. Emotions are raw.<\/p>\n

\"\"Eventually, after the funeral is over and life is a bit quieter for them, visit in-person\u2013but call first. If they don\u2019t answer the phone,\u00a0take no offense. They may just need space at that moment . . . or they may be embarrassed how messy their house has become in the aftermath of the tragedy. They\u00a0may want company on-down-the-road. Try again a week or two\u00a0later.\u00a0Extend a listening ear without asking a lot of questions. Silence is okay. Just sit with them in their grief. Your presence is invaluable.<\/p>\n

And whatever you do, please don\u2019t\u00a0tell them your grief story. They may act interested, but on the inside they\u00a0may be\u00a0falling apart and can\u2019t handle it.<\/p>\n

Younger children appreciate getting breaks away from the chaos and sorrow at home. Offer to involve them in your family\u2019s happenings for a welcome distraction\u2013but not for long periods of time\u2013home is still a place of comfort for them. Teens oftentimes are uncomfortable with receiving hugs from adults they don\u2019t know; be sensitive.<\/p>\n

Most of all, know that they may suffer for weeks, months, and for many, possibly years to come. Suicide is very complicated to process. It\u2019s not normal grief. Don\u2019t expect a normal grieving pattern.<\/p>\n

Most of all, never stop reaching out to the\u00a0family, even if it feels awkward \u2014 and never stop praying for them \u2014 even months\u00a0after the funeral. (The funeral was just the beginning of\u00a0the long, healing journey ahead.)<\/p>\n

And if you don\u2019t know what to do or say, send a thoughtful card or brief note that expresses you are thinking of and praying for them.<\/p>\n

Always remember, love never fails.<\/p>\n

Love is what heals a broken heart.<\/p>\n

If you have experienced a sudden death, please feel free to share in the comments what helped you the most\u00a0through those first days and weeks. It is beneficial information for those who don\u2019t know what to do or say\u2013but want to be supportive. (You can do this by going to Emily Boller’s blog here\u00a0http:\/\/emilyboller.com\/?p=1840<\/a><\/p>\n

If a child has died, \u201cThe Compassionate Friends<\/a>\u201d is a wonderful support group for grieving parents. Almost every city in the US\u00a0has a local chapter.<\/p>\n

Emily Boller <\/a>is a well-known Indiana artist and public speaker whose life was transformed when she lost more than 100 pounds. Please visit her blog at\u00a0http:\/\/emilyboller.com\/\u00a0<\/a>to learn more about this inspiring woman.\u00a0Emily requests that readers feel free to share this post on Facebook or with anyone who might benefit from the message.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

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\"\"On<\/em>\u00a0another note, if you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, please remember the devastation for those who love you is incomprehensible, instead please speak your a clergy or counselor or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at at 1-800-273-TALK or visit their website at\u00a0www.suicidepreventiolifeline.org<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Thank<\/em>\u00a0you, Emily, for your bravery and compassion in being willing to share the wisdom you learned from your own heartbreak to comfort others. It is powerful advice! Emily and I recently reconnected at the 2017 Taylor University’s Professional Writing Conference.<\/a><\/em> \u00a0<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is a guest post by Emily Boller who lost her 21-year-old son to suicide. She shares this advice for those who want to help when a family experiences the devastation of suicide. Although one reader suggests that it applies … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,14,330],"tags":[883,141,81,884,86,473,882,885],"class_list":["post-1174","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","category-practical-advice-on-the-road-less-traveled","category-recovery-and-addiction-on-the-road-less-traveled","tag-artist","tag-bereavement","tag-death","tag-emily-boller","tag-grief","tag-suicide","tag-suicide-prevention","tag-taylor-university-professional-writing-conference"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1174","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1174"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1174\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1750,"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1174\/revisions\/1750"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1174"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1174"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/christinaryanclaypool.com\/blog1\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1174"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}